As a mom, I have come to realise that I cannot survive on my own without a community. Parenting a child is a new experience for me and I needed the reassurances of those who have been there and done that to tell me that it’s okay, I will get through whatever it is that I am going through.
One of my favourite communities has to be the Ask Moxie group and recently, there was a discussion about us mothers not really loving certain periods of motherhood, as much as we love our children. And I found myself nodding and going, SO TRUE.
So I am going to be truthful here and say it out loud: I HATED THE INFANCY PERIOD. Or rather, there were more moments during the infancy period that got me really, really down.
There were beautiful moments. Like when he smiled at me. And when he cooed at me. And when he was so tiny and fitted so perfectly on my chest. And that drunken sailor face he had after nursing. And when he said “hiiiiii” to me for the first time. And the way he snuggled up to me in the Boba Baby Wrap and fell asleep as I jaunted about town, in search of sanity and company. And that look of complete and utter adoration on his face as he looked at me.
BUT. I was alone at home with a cranky baby who napped for 10, 20, 30 minutes. I barely had time to eat breakfast. Most days I took my first shower at 8pm when husband got home from work. I didn’t know what to do with the baby, he would not nap although everyone told me that babies should take two-hour naps. The weather was brutally hot. I could not decipher his cries. It was tough. I was miserable.
It wasn’t till A was about 10 weeks old that I began to hit my stride as a mother. As he became more responsive, it became so much easier. Even when the sleep was dreadful – erm, it still is – I never descended into the same level of darkness as I had did previously.
And now, woah, THIS is the period that I am enjoying tremendously. When he is more vocal and understands what we are saying, and we no longer get those bizarre bouts of crying. When he is singing and dancing and learning new words every day. THIS, I enjoy. But even then, there are times when I look forward to A’s bedtime and having a breather.
If you are someone who enjoyed every single second of motherhood, congratulations. But if you, like me, went through days when you thought one is enough, thank you very much, that’s okay too. There is no need to feel guilty because not everyone loves all that motherhood brings.
But even on those days when I am bone-tired and weary, I remember the good moments. The happy moments. The moments when I feel nothing but intense and pure joy. The moments when my boy is looking at me with the same adoration as he did at three months. The moments when he is sleeping next to me and I am inhaling in the sweet baby scent of his hair. The moments when he kisses me on my lips.
These are the moments that keep me going on this unpredictable parenting journey.