Coco (2.5 years) wasn’t one of those infant speech prodigies who started talking before they could barely walk.

I’ve shared in my blog on MaybeBaby about our efforts to get her talking. The speech explosion came shortly after she turned 2.

Now, not a day goes by without Coco sprouting some original lines, many of them hilarious.

Here’s a sampling of those that tickled my funny bone.

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Making full use of this newfound ability – while it’s still an advantage over her younger sister (for now)

On a jaunt to the petrol station to feed our Family Bus, the husband rewards Coco with a snack for good behaviour throughout the day.

Husband: See, Coco, daddy let you choose a snack from the shop because you were such a good girl today.

Coco (immediately piping up): Claire not good girl!

Husband: Why isn’t Claire a good girl?

Coco (most dramatically): Claire follow me!

Husband: Claire follows you around because she loves you and wants to be with you.

Coco (aggrieved tone): Claire bang my toe. Claire not good girl.

 

Heated Conversations

Me: Coco! You must wait for me to make sure that the water isn’t hot before you touch it OK? Mummy doesn’t want the hot water to burn Coco!

Coco (nodding thoughtfully): Mmmmm. Only Claire.

Me (visibly HORRIFED): WHAT?! NO! Mummy doesn’t want the water to burn Coco OR Claire! OK?!?!?

 

Tall Ambition. Or Not. 

Me: An astronaut can fly up to the moon in a rocket! Coco, do you want to be an astronaut and go high up into the sky and stand on the moon?

Coco (thoughtful): Mmmmm. No, thank you.

Me: Why not?

Coco: I’m scared.

Me: What are you scared of?

Coco: I fall off moon.

Guess it’s not a bad thing to want to stay grounded.

 

Role Reversal

Coco: Carry me!

Me: You have to let me get up from the floor first. I can’t carry you and stand up – you’re too heavy.

Coco (cheers enthusiastically): You can do it! You can do it! YOU CAN DO IT!

Me (groaning): Woahhhhh… there we go….

Coco (gleefully applauds and pats me on the back): Yaaaaaaaay! You did it! YOU DID IT! Good mummy! Well done, mummy!

 

Fix You

Me (pretending to be ill): Ohhhhh… I feel sick! I’m sick!

Coco (hurrying over with her doctor’s kit): Don’t worry, mummy! I’m here! I’m doctor!

Me (really enjoying my turn to whine – for once): Ohhhhh… my head hurts!

Coco (bossily): Lie down, mummy. Don’t worry, I fix you.

Me (gladly sprawls on the floor. Bliss): Ohhhh…..

Coco: Eat your medicine. Mmmmmm! Nice! Good mummy!

Me: Yum, yum…

Coco (generously dishes out hugs and kisses): You OK now, mummy? See, I fix you!

….. Mummy! Say ‘thank you’!!!

 

Questions Only A Toddler Can Ask

(Do not attempt this if you are older than 3)

“Gong Gong, do you have a penis?”

 

Monkey Business

After an outdoor lesson at MacRitchie Reservoir Park on why you shouldn’t feed wild monkeys human food…

Me: Monkeys have to look in the forest for fruits and nuts to feed themselves. They cannot eat people’s food. Understand?

Coco (deep in thought): *nods silently*

Me (sagely): So you mustn’t feed the monkeys with your food. Understand?

Coco (nods emphatically): Understand…

Me: Good Co…

Coco: … monkeys? Monkeys, you understand OK?

 

The Parrot In The Car

Frequent reminders that there’s a toddler-sponge soaking up every little thing that we say during car rides:

Husband & I (leaning towards each other for a quick hug when the car stops at the traffic junction): I love you, baby. Muuuaaaahhhh!

Coco (bossily): NO!! Mummy and daddy SIT PROPERLY!!! Car is going to move soon!!

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Coco (groaning as we stop at a red light): ARRGGGGHHH. Not ANOTHER red light!

Me: Coco, we must stop the car to let people cross the road, okay?

(The light turns green. We continue on our journey and stop when the light turns red at a pedestrian crossing.)

Coco: ARRRRGGGGHHHH. MORE people?!?!?

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(While walking towards the car)

Coco: I don’t want to walk this way.

Me: Why not?

Coco: This is BIRD SHIT.

Yes, apparently we’ve been grumbling rather audibly at those darn birds for ‘targeting’ our car….

 

Big Mama Love

When telling me about her day at my aunt’s place and referring to the signs that she saw prohibiting the disposal of bulky items in recycling bins…

Coco (self-importantly): Cannot put big things into dustbin!

Me (nodding vigorously): Oh, oh, yesssss, that’s right. You are not suppose to throw big items into the dustbin.

Coco: Things too big!

Me (agreeing most enthusiastically): Yes, things too big. Too big!

Coco (holds me close and looks me in the eye): Mummy?

Me (heart melting): Yes, darling?

Coco (innocently): Are you big thing?

Me: Uhhhhhh. Well. Hmmm. Ye-essss…. mummy is big.

Coco: Cannot throw mummy into dustbin! Mummy too big!

Oh yaay? That’s a good reason not to have to lose weight. Your daughter may just throw you away!

 

She Ain’t Heavy. She’s My Mother

Coco (proudly declaring that she is strong): I carry heavy things.

Me: Oh, is that book that you are carrying heavy?

Coco: This book little bit heavy. I carry many heavy things.

Me: Wow. You’re so strong. What other things are heavy?

Coco: MUMMY.

Jeez, I’m sorry I asked.

 

Gems That You’ll Hold Close To Your Bosom

After reading her a story about a boy and a caterpillar that he found…

Me: The boy couldn’t decide whether he wanted to keep the caterpillar as a pet or return it to its home in the garden.

Coco (studying the illustrations carefully): *silent*

Me: Would you keep the caterpillar in a box and let it go hungry? Or let it go home to the garden and become a beautiful butterfly?

Coco: *still silent*

Me: What would you do, Coco? What would Coco do?

Coco (appearing to be deep in thought): Hmmmmmm…

…… KEEP IT IN MUMMY’S NEH-NEH! HAHAHAHAHAHA! (breaks out in high-pitched maniacal laughter and runs off)

Once again, I’m sorry I asked!

Isn’t toddler-speak just SO cute?

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