I haven’t shared about them here before but those who have been following my blog on MaybeBaby would know about the seizures.
The first episode occurred in February and they have been coming since. Every month. In my sleep. In the dark of the night, when the only person who can look out for me is my husband. It’s the same every time – a series of convulsions followed by a period of unconsciousness.
No one knows why they happen. Neurology experts have pronounced me an epileptic. Amongst other things that I have been advised not to do, I can no longer bathe my children without other adult supervision or share a bed with them for fear that I may unknowingly crush them during a fit. I can’t drive them anywhere on my own because it is against the law for me to operate a vehicle.
I seek comfort in my Chinese physician’s words that I am not a sick patient, and that with time and treatment, I will be cured.
When people ask how I am, I shrug and say, “Yeah, it’s still happening. Just hope it doesn’t happen again.” This month, I’ve been able to put on a bright smile and report that it hasn’t happened yet – so far. (This is where my dedicated acupressure therapists correct me and say, “It didn’t – not ‘hasn’t’ – happened. It didn’t happen.”)
While no medical expert has raised the possibility of seizures as a cause of death, I can’t deny that the thought is at the back of my mind. Rather than be scared by it, it serves as a useful reminder not to get worked up or agitated over small matters. There’s nothing like the realisation that you could ‘go’ overnight (from other causes besides seizures) to make you appreciate the joys and trials of marriage and parenthood even more.
Baby not sleeping through the night?
I give thanks for every single night that passes seizure-free.
Got woken up by a clingy toddler for the umpteenth time?
I’m just glad that I am waking up.
Squeezing onto a crowded train to get to the office?
I’m grateful that the seizures haven’t affected my physical and mental capacity to work.
Battling a whiny toddler who refuses to take a bath?
I take a deep breath and remind myself to appreciate what is now a privilege.
Toddler wants to snuggle up to me in my bed before bedtime?
Gladly. Every minute counts – before I have to shift her to her own bed because I can’t co-sleep with her.
About to snap at husband in annoyance over some small matter?
I take a moment – and swallow my words, for this is the man who has devoted himself to watching me over me day and night.
So yes, I give thanks with a grateful heart for every day that I wake up to – poopy diapers, fussy babies, rebellious toddlers, whiny kids, my funny man…and all the joy that they bring to my life.