During the recent pregnancy, I took advantage of the medical leave issued by the gynae after each check-up to catch up on sleep and get down to doing the long list of outstanding errands that had built up since… I dunno, 3 years ago?
One of the items on my To Do list that had been screaming for attention (but lost out drastically to the combined high-pitched demands from a 3 year old and 2 year old) was to sort and store the mounting wad of printouts from Candace’s ultrasound scans that had been carelessly chucked into… some box.
Back in 2010, I started a scrapbook to store the prints from Coco’s ultrasound scans, complete with the date, her weight and little anecdotes of each visit to the gynae. In 2013, when I was pregnant with Claire, I added the prints from her scans to the book. I wanted to do the same for Candace.
Flipping through the book, I came across 2 pages that had been dated 31 Aug 2012 and 21 Sep 2012 – but with gaping blanks where the ultrasound prints should have been stuck. Chucked between the last page and the back cover of the book, I found loose sheets of the missing images.
31 Aug 2012 was when we first found out that we were expecting twins.
21 Sep 2012 was when we lost a child. A mere 3.0 cm squiggle of a foetus. But nonetheless, our child.
5 Oct 2012 marked the next entry – complete with a picture of one baby – with no mention of the other.
13 May 2015 was when I was once again able to look reality in the eye – something that I had been too heartbroken to do 2 and a half years ago – and fill the empty black pages with pictures of Twin B.
Life works in funny ways. We lost a baby and yet, when we least expected it, we were blessed with another.
I sometimes wonder what our lives would be like if Twin B had lived. Would we still have had Candace – since she had come to us as a complete surprise? Making us a family of six? I can’t imagine how we would be coping with 4 kids aged 3 and under now!
One thing’s for sure – there are no gaps left. Not that we’ve written Twin B out of our lives – he or she is still very much loved and remembered. But there are no more empty pages now.
They have been filled – with love.